Wrestling Wramblings: Royal Rumble 2014

Everyone has a guilty pleasure. I have many, but one of them is the hurricane of stupidity that is professional wrestling. In my ongoing attempt to broaden my pool of writing topics and styles, I present a bulletpoint, match-by-match recap of last night's WWE pay-per-view, the greatest gimmick match ever, the Royal Rumble.

This is written assuming you know a bit about wrestling - I don't explain who people are, the stories or the lingo. It's really just a chance for me to get some thoughts out. Also yes I know it's all fake and no I don't care.

Preshow - Rhodes Brothers vs. New Age Outlaws for the WWE Tag Team Championship

• Solid match. It's always fun to see the Rhodes wrestle and I'm impressed by how well the NOA are doing, considering their age.
• Having said that, they definitely aren't on the same level as Goldust, who is wrestling like a man half his age. Not a technical masterpiece here.
• I'm ok with the Rhodes dropping the straps here, with a few caveats. One, I would have preferred the loss to be less clean. And two, the NAO better transition those titles post haste, preferably to the red-hot Usos.

Daniel Bryan vs Bray Wyatt

• This was a big test for Bray Wyatt, considering his only PPV singles experience had been a terrible match with Kane that ended in an interference finish. Needless to say, he rose to the occasion.
• It kind of helps when you have one of the best wrestlers on the planet opposite you of couse. But both parties worked hard to make this match a barn-burner.
• Bryan bumped like crazy. Guess those rumours of a concussion were exaggerated.
• Not sure why Harper and Rowan came out just to get tossed. 
• Where does this program go from here? It looks like the Wyatts are moving on, so what's next for Bryan?

Big Show vs Brock Lesnar

• This match was changed into a straight beatdown the night before when Show broke his hand. I didn't know this at the time though, and was very disappointed with what we got.
• Granted, there was actually some decent psychology in the very short bit of actual competition we got. Big Show playing possum was cool and that punch was ace.
• There's always entertainment to be had in seeing Lesnar go apeshit on someone too.
• Still, I felt this went on way too long and didn't have one big spot that made me go OH MY GOD.
• That F-5 was pretty great though.

John Cena vs. Randy Orton for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

• Boy, that sure was a John Cena vs. Randy Orton match, right?
• Seriously though, this was boring as crap. It become a little more interesting when they started stealing finishers at the end, but otherwise a snooze-fest.
• The trend of 'every other person can do a better looking STF than Cena' continues.
• The crowd weren't having any of it either, busting out a ton of dumb chants. It was pretty funny, but I feel bad for the performers too. They're trying hard guys, it's not their fault they've been booked like crap.
• Having said that, Cena hearing the 'Y2J' chants and then immediately trying to put Orton into the Walls of Jericho shows how smart that guy can be.
• Given the ending, what was the point of the ref takedown?
• I'm pretty sick of distraction endings, but at least this was a genuine surprise and teses an interesting Wyatt vs Cena angle.

Royal Rumble Match

Instead of the usual breakdown, let's go through entrant by entrant shall we?

1. CM Punk - Was anonymous for large amounts of the match, but worked well in the early stages when it's basically a mini brawl. His elimination was the obvious next step in the angle, but executed well. Took a big bump through the Spanish announce table (49m15s)
2. Seth Rollins - Did extremely well entering at the attention grabbing #2 position, somewhat compensating for being clearly the least important member of The Shield in the match. Only member to make the traditional through the crowd entrance. Bumped hard, worked hard. Pulled Ambrose off of Reigns to further emphasise his position as the 'reasonable one' in the team.
3. Damien Sandow - Oh dear. What a waste.
4. Cody Rhodes - Solid as ever, if largely unspectacular. Couple of decent spots. Would have preferred his elimination at the hands of Goldust to be better highlighted/more spectacular.
5. Kane - Great little story arc here. Punk dumping him almost immediately was a fun little get back. His elimination of Punk was very unexpected (if you missed his accidental on camera appearance) because it happened so long after her initially left. Wrestling in dress slacks was great.
6. Alexander Rusev - Great showing for what's probably the next big graduate from NXT. While he didn't eliminate anyone, he got to beat the crap out of a bunch of guys and look damn strong. Also thank god he got proper wrestling gear.
7. Jack Swagger - BIG HOSS continues to improve and he did some solid work to keep the match flowing here. Really though Zeb Colter continues to be the star.
8. Kofi Kingston - Loved his ridiculous leap, which was a moment of genuinely great athleticism. The spot where he took off Swagger's boot and bashed him with it was great as well. Always a decent entrant. Mad elimination by Reigns.
9. Jimmy Uso - I love the Usos but neither of them did anything of note in this match.
10. Goldust - Great to see him here. As I mentioend with Cody, I do feel his elimination of his brother should have been a bigger spot.
11. Dean Ambrose - The shot of him eyeing Roman Reigns slimily from behind was one of my favourite moments of the match. Also, Sheamus lifting his shirt revealed that he's RIPPED.
12. Dolph Ziggler - Big pop for this return. Proceeded to look after his head by selling everything like he was made of rubber. Insane bump of Reigns' spear.
13. R-Truth - Does anyone really care about R-Truth?
14. Kevin Nash - It was cool the first time he came back but seriously, keep Kevin Nash the fuck away from anything resembling a wrestling organisation. Horribly botched elimination.
15. Roman Reigns - Looked like a million dollars. Muscled guys around like crazy, got great spots, went full throttle all the way through. Hearing the crowd cheer for him when he was one-on-one with Batista is a great sign he's getting way over for his imminent singles run.
16. The Great Khali - Existed solely for the purpose of being an impressive elimination spot for Reigns.
17. Sheamus - His character is an obnoxious bully, but it was great to see him back in the ring. Not quite sure he deserved to make it to the final three, but a genuinely enjoyable return.
18. The Miz - Hey, remember when this guy main-evented Wrestlemania?
19. Fandango - Great to see fandango-ing become a thing again, albeit briefly. Actual wrestling is not the attraction of his character, but his elimination was pretty great.
20. El Torito - Great, great stuff from the little man. His interactions with Punk were golden and he was tossed fast enough that he didn't outstay his welcome. Great little comedy spot.
21. Antonio Cesaro - Impressive as always, both in his brute strength and his ability. Those swings are still as fun as hell to watch. Played a small but crucial role in Reigns' turn on his teamates.
22. Luke Harper - It's sort of odd seeing the Wyatts in somethign so over-the-top 'wrestling' as this but Harper did well and sold his massive brute role decently.
23. Jey Uso - See Uso, Jimmy.
24. JBL - Announcers entering has become somewhat old hat at this point, but this was pretty funny, especially the crowds's YOU STILL GOT IT chant.
25. Erick Rowan - Seemed to make less of an impact than Harper.
26. Ryback - Largely anonymous, which reflects the decline of his position on the card. Would have liked to see him involved in more big strength spots.
27. Alberto del Rio - Only here to be fed to Batista.
28. Batista - Did anyone actually want him to win? Dude looked crap in the ring and was visibly exhausted by the end despite his late entry. Him facing Reigns one-on-one was unflattering to Dave in the extreme.
29. Big E Langston - Disappointingly, did nothing of note. Nothing wrong with that, since pushing him in the same match as Reigns would not have made sense, but if you just need a warm body, why not use Xavier Woods or something like that?
30. Not Daniel Bryan - I felt extremely sorry for Mysterio, given the poisonous atmosphere he emerged to. Dude managed a few cool spots before being tossed, as is the usual fate of the #30 entrant.

• This match was great fun right up until the end, with a high quality crop of entrants and some good spots.
• Having said that, UGH. Batista is the worst and he looked extremely bad in the ring here.
• The crowd revolt was all over the place. I hated them booing Mysterio because hey, it's not the guys fault. However, once it was down to Reigns and Batista, they got right behind the Shield man. The vicious, poisonous reaction at the end was delightful and really conveyed my own feelings.
• Batista apparently flipped off a bunch of fans and did the YES chant with middle fingers. Apparently the douchebag persona isn't just a heel thing.

Overall, a solid PPV marred by a puke-worthy finish. It'll be interesting to see if the widespread dissatisfaction encourages Bryan to be booked more strongly. I'm guessing no, but it was certainly a spectacle.

Games of the Generation #4 - Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots

Even heroes have to die

There are all sorts of games and those games strike all sorts of tones - funny, exciting, DARK, reflective and goofy. But very few games are sad. And that's what Metal Gear Solid 4 is. For all of its massive bombast, its Hollywood level production, orchestral soundtrack and (then) cutting edge graphics, my immediate memory of it is always the quiet melancholy which suffuses the production. All the explosions, all the guns and graphics and trademark ludicrous touches of director Hideo Kojima cannot hide the fact that this is a game about a man dying.

MGS4 partially reaches this position of course through the legacy of its illustrious predecessors. It's standing on the shoulders of giants, but that doesn't make its own achievements any less impressive. Kojima returns to the dystopian future we briefly glimpsed in Metal Gear Solid 2 to layer his themes of inheritance, war and human fallibility even more deeply than before. There aren't many games that deserve the descriptor 'operatic' but this is absolutely one of them, as we pull together every character, every thread from a decade of tactical espionage action for a rousing finale. The conflict balloons to a scale never before seen, and yet it still feels intimate, still personal. The world may be at stake but this is always about Solid Snake, and his battle against his nemeses, be that Liquid Ocelot, old age or the sins of his 'father' Big Boss. It's what makes this fight matter more than countless other 'take over the world' modern military videogames. This time we care if the world ends.

All of this emotion though wouldn't matter much if there wasn't a game to back it up. Fortunately, technology finally matches the grandiosity of Kojima's vision, liberating MGS from tight corridors and small play areas, and throwing us onto vast, dynamic battlefields. The game constantly changes approach and atmosphere, from a chaotic middle-eastern conflict to a tense game of cat and mouse on the streets of Eastern Europe to an emotional return to Shadow Moses Island (complete with astonishing robot-on-robot combat). For the first time in the series you're not fighting the controls, instead appreciating the Resident Evil style pop-out shooting. Octocamo offers all the flexibility of MGS3's camouflage system without the annoying time spent in menus, while the Drebin points upgrade path makes for easy play style customisation. This feels like the game where MGS finally stepped into the modern age without losing any of what made it unique.

Uniqueness is what makes Metal Gear Solid 4 such a memorable experience. There may be elements from other games, and characters and ideas from previous entries in the series, but they've never been assembled in anything quite like this. At the time both Kojima and Konami claimed that this would be the final entry in the franchise, a claim that even at the time seemed ludicrous, and so it's proved. Yet there is something very definitive, very final about the game, a feeling that it can't be surpassed no matter what may be yet to come. And for a game that is so sad, so desperate - it's the only game that's ever made me cry - it's important to remember that the moral is ultimately hopeful. Snake doesn't pull that trigger, he doesn't make that final choice. He's still going to die, but before that, he's going to live for the first time in a long time. That's a worthy message for any story to end on. It's good, isn't it?

Games of the Generation #5 - Bayonetta

Look, but don't touch

Fittingly for a game about discovering your identity, Bayonetta is of two minds as to what it wants to be. They're two very different minds too. One is a cold, analytical, machine, a system of countless checks and balances, crunching numbers and calculating odds. It's a razor's edge of precise, mechanical gameplay, a series of systems that beautifully interlock to produce one of the most balanced, well rounded combat systems ever seen in a videogame.

The other mind is basically the equivalent of dropping a nuclear bomb in a firework factory, then sitting back with the popcorn. It's the quintessential example of the a formula developer Platinum Games has mastered - build a rock solid gameplay foundation and then drop endless towers of crazy on top. So we've got hair-wearing witches battling the forces of heaven to techno-lounge remixes of 'Fly Me to the Moon'. We've got Bayonetta herself, a cross between a sexy secretary, a Barbie doll and a killing machine. While she may look like an adolescent wet dream brought to life, don't be fooled - this is no sexist power fantasy. In fact, Bayonetta dominates the game like few protagonists ever have. Sassy, savvy and utterly confident in her ability to kick ass, she's the cool, calm centre at the heart of the ever escalating storm.

The madness may ramp higher and higher, but you'll never lose your way, because the combat fundamentals are so solid. The genius of Bayonetta is how completely in control you feel at all times, and how close to the edge the game forces you to dance to succeed. The genius of the shoulder button dodge is matched only by the idea of 'Witch Time', a slow-mo mode that's only triggered if you leave your dodge to the very last second, pushing the risk/reward ratio to the limit. Combined with multiple weapons, techniques and powerups, full-on Bayonetta play is like a gorgeous ballet, flowing from enemy to enemy while barely holding onto your combo.

And that's not even mentioning the multiple loving Sega references ('Welcome to my Fantasy Zone!'). Or the dance off. The ridiculous soundtrack. The gargantuan, screen-filling bosses. The witty, tongue-in-cheek script. Bayonetta is the Hollywood A-Lister of videogames. It's mad, arrogant, pompous and endlessly extravagant. But all that flash is backed by substance, all the extreme supplied with elegance. It'll party all night and still deliver 100% effort in the morning. It's the best, it knows it's the best, and it isn't going to be quiet about it.